I quit smoking five years ago this week.
Here’s a picture of me taken around 2005.
As you can see, I’m smoking. Gross, right? I started when I was 14 and just kept going. I continued to smoke until 2008 when I finally quit and I’d like to tell you how you can too.
Here is my secret stop smoking plan.
Step 1. Allow your appendix to become inflamed until it is about to burst.
Step 2. No Matter how painful it is, IGNORE THE PAIN. Just keep doing your thing. Go to work, watch TV and most of all KEEP SMOKING.
Step 3. When your wife asks you if you need to go to the hospital tell her that you cant because your favorite show is on.
Step 4. Two days after declining a trip to the ER in favor of watching LOST (it was “The Constant” episode so my decision has been vindicated) wake up at 4 AM and realize that something is seriously wrong. Go outside and have a cigarette. Then drive yourself to the ER.
Step 5. Undergo an emergency appendectomy but make sure you have complications resulting in the surgeon having to cut you open down the middle. To ensure complications make sure that your appendix has swollen to the size of a banana.
Step 6. Spend the six days following your surgery in the hospital. While you are there get a painkiller on an IV drip. I chose one of the classics - Morphine to see me through. If I felt any pain I pressed the button and it gave me a shot of sweet, sweet morphine. I defined pain as any feeling whatsoever. I pressed the morphine button when there was nothing on TV, when the sun was up or down, when I was in pain and finally when I was craving a cigarette.
Step 7. When you check out of the hospital say to yourself “You haven’t smoked in almost a week. You’d be stupid to smoke now” or have a loved one say this to you.
Step 8. See Step 7.
I hope this works as well for you as it did for me. I should warn you that this smoking cure is pricey; I got a bill for about 85K, after insurance. But it worked, I don’t smoke anymore.
I have now been a non smoker for 6 years.